Hi everyone!
This is my first time visiting the forum part of this website.  It was suggested as a useful tool in a group I attend so I thought I would give it a shot.  I hesitated at first, only because I get sick of talking about (facing) the eating disorder.  It’s exhausting but something I know I need to keep doing.

I am writing because the last several days have been extremely difficult for me.  I pretty much shut down and isolated myself from the world. 

I guess I should give a little background to my situation/story.  I started seeing a therapist/dietician at the emily program in November.  I think I started coming more to prevent weight gain then anything else.  At the time I don’t believe I had an eating disorder and sometimes I still question whether I do or not (my therapist although is convinced that I do…lol).  I started coming bc my “cheat days” were turning into cheat wkends and then after a few times of binging for like 3 or 4 days I knew I needed some sort of help or I was going to gain a TON of weight.  I am a very fitness oriented person and prior to starting this program I ate EXTREMELY clean and had a very strict diet.  I didn’t eat any processed food or sugar and very limited amount of carbs.  I planned my meals the night before for the prior day and stuck to a very rigid set of #s related to my protein, carb, fat intake.  I didn’t eat anything with chemicals and everything was pretty much organic.  It was working for me.  I was losing body fat and gaining muscle.  I worked out pretty intensely every day of the week.  What eventually sent me on a downward spiral was my obsession with my body fat percentage.  I remember the day all of this starting getting horrible and out of control for me.  I had my normal monthly body fat test and I was convinced that I had to have finally been very close to my goal of 12%.  After all I had been doing everything perfect (diet, workouts, supplements, sleep, etc) and when I realized that in the last month my body fat actually went up a bit rather than down, I got severly depressed.  I think at that point I gave up my goals.  The binges started getting worse and worse until I would go 4 or 5 days eating basically only sugar.  I acquired a very bad sugar addiction.  I would actually go through withdrawl like symptoms when I didn’t eat sugar.

Fast forward a few months and I am now struggling with the binge/restrict cycle.  I will go 3-5 days binging and then barely eat anything for the same amt of time.  The last couple weeks I have actually been excessively exercising as well.  I have been working out 2 hours or more a day.  Usually this includes running (or some other type of cardio) for 8-10 miles and later weights.

Since Wednesday I have been binging every day (except today). I also have not worked out the last 3 days.  My clothes are tight and barely fit and I feel sooo ugly, fat and disgusting.  For the first time I skipped my classes Thurs (and 2 quizzes) and cancelled plans I had Friday, along with my therapist and dietician appts.  I basically stayed home to be alone and eat bc I did not want to be seen in public.  Today I slept pretty much all day. 

My anxiety has been getting out of control.  I can never breathe normal anymore and I always have a tightness in my chest.  I have been trying to avoid drugs/medication bc I don’t want to be dependant on anything.  I want to do this on my own.  But I am considering it now.

I feel depressed, anxious, gross etc all the time when I am bingeing. 
And when I am restricting I feel better.  I feel I have succeeded at something.  I have had the willpower to make it through a day without eating very much. 

I do not follow my meal plan bc I don’t trust it.  I know that anytime I start to at normally I will binge (I know this bc it happens every time).  I also don’t want to eat “bad” food (unhealthy food) when I finally do nip this thing in the bud.  I don’t want to eat pizza and dessert.  I don’t want to be a “normal average” person.  I hate both of those words.  I just want desperately to lose the weight that I have gained and once I do that (by restricting enough for a few weeks) I want to start eating a normal healthy diet again.  I know that everyone is thinking that my eating disorder wont let me do that.  But I really believe I can.  I don’t want to be 80 lbs.  I don’t like the super skinny look.  I like having muscle.

I don’t even know if I am asking for help or advice.  I’m not really sure why I am writing this.  Maybe just to get it out.  I know its sort of all over the place.  I just started writing and couldn’t stop.
I’m just frustrated and don’t want to deal with this anymore.  Its such a stupid ridiculous thing. 

Thanks for listening and letting me vent!

hey, welcome!

I think it’s cool that this was suggested in a group; there’s not many of us here and it’s not advertised strongly, so new faces and perspectives are always nice!

I think it’s real common to think you don’t have an eating disorder. I thought I was fine… and then ended up in IDP a week later. LOL. Ok, it’s not funny, but it shows the thinking pattern.

Just as a warning… we try to stay away from specifics in here that could be triggering to others. You didn’t know, so I’m not scolding or anything. Things like #s and %s and very detailed “I do this” are generally triggering for some people. Somehow mark at the beginning of the post if you’re going to put triggering info!! Thanks :D

Welcome again! There’s a topic that is called something along the lines of “daily check-in” (it’s the big thread, 14 pages or something) and it’s been real popular lately. The first post has a list of questions that are nice to answer! I don’t always put my answers here, but I at least answer the questions to myself every day. It’s real supportive though around here! I have been pleasantly surprised.

Got ya with the # thing.  That makes sense I guess.  Although I think this site would be more helpful if people felt comfortable to say whatever they needed to say.  Just my opinion.  But I get it and will respect it.  I don’t want to jeapordize anyone elses recovery….

Its funny you mentioned IOP/IDP b/c my therapist and dietician having been pushing it on me the last couple weeks.  I don’t think I’m ready for it though.  I don’t think I really want to get better in a crazy messed up way.  Please tell me this is norml!!  lol….

angel - 28 March 2011 09:45 AM

I don’t think I really want to get better in a crazy messed up way.  Please tell me this is norml!!  lol….

Makes perfect sense to me. Outside the ED community, there is a pressure to be beautiful enough; inside it, there is a pressure to be sick enough.

We cling to what we know. That’s something you’ll need to square with. If it makes any difference, when I went into IDP, I didn’t want to or felt like I deserved to recover. When I transitioned to IOP, I wasn’t ready to go; IDP had become a saving grace, though difficult at times.

Why would your team push for something you don’t need, right?

Yes the “logical” me knows your right.  But I just don’t think I want it enough and until I do I don’t think it will be helpful.
Its weird but the “logical” side of me who even has a psychology degree knows what I am doing is not healthy, recognizes the disordered thinking in myself, and knows there are healthier ways to reach my goals.  But the extremist personality in me (the all or nothing thinking) convinces me that restricting is the fastest easiest way.  Its ridiculous and I see (like someone from the outside looking in) what I am doing to myself and how it really isn’t working and doesnt make any sense.  The perfect analogy is the devil and angel on the shoulder.  Except for they switch roles.  Sometimes the devil is the voice telling me to not eat and the angel is the voice telling me the opposite.  And sometimes the devil is the voice telling me to eat.  This is confusing I know.  But I feel like I am in constant battle with myself inside my head.  Such is the life of someone with any kind of addiction/disorder I guess.

Your willfulness and my willfulness would get along very well.

Meaning, of course, that I hear what you’re saying—but I’m so much of a people-pleaser that when my support team says jump and dance, I do so like a puppet and don’t actually make many changes. I’m trying to try, though.

Thats good that you trust them the way it seems like you do.  I wish I could get there.  I just think I’m too stubborn and refuse to believe that anyone else (aside from myself) knows whats best for me.

I think the fact that I was able to finally give up an alcohol and drug addiction on my own with no treatment makes me think that I can do the same here.  But honestly this is 100% times harder than an alcohol or drug addiction.  You can’t just give up food and choose to not be around it anymore.  Also I don’t feel the health effects yet from this the way I felt it from the chemical addictions…..

Right. It’s hard to convince yourself to change what you don’t feel isn’t working. That’s what I’m struggling with right now; it’s not obviously harmful enough. I definitely still feel a lot more “positive” effects from feeding my ED than I do from fighting it.

But somewhere, the rational me—like the rational you—knows it’s wrong and wants better. That’s the only part of me that keeps me from seeking treatment of any kind, whether it’s kicking and screaming to IDP just because my team says I need it, or whether it’s by hospital discharge requirement, or just coming here.

Give yourself more credit than you have been. You obviously aren’t completely unwilling to change; I mean, you’re here. :)

Thanks!  Yeah you’re right.  I’m here bc I know I need to be.
I think my issues go much deeper than an eating disorder.  I think my addiction just keeps switching from one thing to the next.  I need to finally deal with the issues or if its not a drinking problem or an eating disorder, it will be something else equally unhealthy. 
Its nice to know that there are people who understand what you are going through an can relate!

I’m going to respond to your original post before I read anything else. 

I was triggered, initially, by this and had to come back when I was more level-headed, to respond.  Personally, I wasn’t as much bothered by the #s and %s (though, they CAN be triggering for me at times)...I was more triggered by everything else…you didn’t do anything wrong—I’m just going to confront your Ed thoughts and statements in the hopes that you might see them as Ed-thoughts and ideas (or at least bring it up with your therapist to see if they think they’re Ed-related).

When someone talks about the concept of a “clean” diet, strict diet, diets that don’t include certain foods (unless for allergy reasons or morality issues: such as not eating pork if of a certain faith or not eating meat because you view it as morally wrong, etc.), rigid food plans, etc.—when I hear that—*THAT* is all Ed talk.  That’s not “I want to be healthy so I don’t eat these things to keep my body ‘clean’”—that’s really, “there’s something emotionally in my life that I don’t know how to deal with, so because I don’t have the skills to handle that, I focus on something I know I CAN control and I’ll obsess about THAT because my anxiety about my emotional issues can sometimes be controlled by focusing elsewhere.”  Only *now*—even that is getting out of control in a different way (because now you’re binging excessively—and when someone binges, it is another way of “checking out,” not only emotionally, but physically as well.  AND it’s another way of torturing yourself (because you even say that when you binge you’re having a range of anxiety, depression, guilt???, etc.) and possibly your body’s last ditch way to FEEL emotions physically through food because you’re (possibly) not feeling them or dealing with them in any other way.

Your statement, “I do not follow my meal plan bc I don’t trust it.”  Oh boy!  I can relate to that.  That’s Ed.  That’s Ed trying to keep you so focused on the food aspect of things that he’s got you so stuck in a restrict/binge cycle that you won’t be able to see anything else clearly until you manage that aspect of your eating disorder.  It took my body six weeks to adjust to the meal plan (around 4 weeks I started to feel a little better).  The thing is, why come to EP and see a dietician if you’re not willing to follow a meal plan?  Have you told your dietician that you don’t trust the meal plan?  Have you tried following the meal plan, even if for a week?  What is your meal plan (is it specific foods, or do you have a dietary exchange plan for eating certain times of the day with certain kinds of food)?  Have you talked about adjusting your mealplan with your dietician?  Does your dietician know you’re not following the plan?  Are you journaling and recording your food intake?

If you follow the mealplan, your body can get back on a regular, steady intake of a variety of foods that it NEEDS to function properly.  I wasn’t able to manage my EMOTIONAL problems (eating disorders aren’t about the food, the fitness, the body image—that’s just the focus—the root is always something else based in the emotional lack of skills) until my body had what it needed to help me sort out the Ed from reality.  I could NOT address the emotional side or learn all of the emotional tools or implement all of the emotional tools until I got the eating part out of the way (as in following a meal plan, getting my body back on track with regular intake of fuel from a variety of sources).  There were tweaks along the way—my dietician and I adjusted my meal plan when things weren’t working out—but—my binges diminished because there wasn’t the physical urges anymore (because when I wasn’t restricting and I was giving my body a regular dose of energy through food, it didn’t “need” to binge—I learned hunger-fullness and learned my body’s cues for needing food).  I still have some lingering emotional binges (but I’m working on that)...but as long as I’m following the meal plan (and even gradually weaning to intuitive eating—with the direction of my dietician)...I can manage and identify the emotional things that trigger the Ed-things.

I really encourage you to use your team: you go to the EP for a reason.  If they are recommending something for you, do it.  If you feel resistance to it, tell them—work it out with them.  Trust them.  There is a part of treatment where you need to NOT trust yourself (because Ed has such a hold on us at times) and ONLY trust the EP professionals.  Once you learn how to weed out what’s Ed and what’s not, once your body gets regular nutrition through the meal plan and CAN start making un-ED-clouded decisions, then you can start trusting yourself and your thoughts, etc.  Ask EP professionals to point out your Ed comments to you while you’re in your sessions (if they are not already).  I go into most of my dietician appointments with, “is this Ed?” questions, comments about how the mealplan went, how I felt about certain foods/challenges/etc. 

Hang in there!  You’ll beat Ed!

chickadee - 27 March 2011 10:53 PM

I think it’s real common to think you don’t have an eating disorder. I thought I was fine… and then ended up in IDP a week later. LOL. Ok, it’s not funny, but it shows the thinking pattern.

I agree that it *IS* common to have times where people who have Ed in their life think they don’t…that it’s a horrible cycle of “I need help, but I don’t have a problem…I guess I don’t need help, but I do have a problem.”

Ashe - 28 March 2011 12:50 PM

Why would your team push for something you don’t need, right?

Exactly! :)

Katie thanks for the insight!  I appreciate it!  I apologize for the triggers.  I get that ED is very sensitive but I also think that part of recovery is not sheltering yourself and being able to face things that are triggering.  Just my thought on that.  It seems like everywhere at the Emily Program you have to walk on egg shells around others so that you don’t “trigger” them….well aren’t we all going to be triggered every day out in the “real world” one way or another???  Isn’t it better to do it in therapy first?

Anyway I have thought long and hard about my eating habits before the binging/restricting started.  I don’t think eating healthy and not wanting to put chemicals and stuff in your body is disordered thinking, though I have heard that many times before.  I do, however think that being so strict with my diet did help me land in the position I am in now.  Its always about extremes for me.

Funny thing that you should mention the “guilt” feelings.  Its seems like that is what everyone feels after a binge, however I don’t and I’ve been questioning why a lot lately. Why does everyone else have this feeling and I dont?  I don’t feel guilty.  I fee fat and gross and panic b/c I want to erase all the weight (perceived or real) that I have just piled on to my body.

Yeah the meal plan is definitely the hardest part for me.  The meal plan I have is basically get this amount of grains, fat, protein, etc… at this meal of the day (breakfast, snack, lunch, etc…).  My dietician and therapist definitely do know that I m resisiting the meal plan big time!!  I just started logging my food intake but there are days (particularly when I am binging) that I don’t do it.  These are the days I isoloate and shut myself off from the world.  When I do try to eat a “normal” meal, it almost always turns into a binge.  I haven’t had a “normal” eating day in months.  Its either all out binge or barely eating anything at all.

You are right though.  I do need to try harder with the meal plan.  But I just know there are certain things I will never be abe to do (like eat desert ever day) even when I am recovered.  The “logical” part of me knows this.  The crazy thing is that I do know when my ED is making decisions.  I know, even in the moment, when I am doing something that is unhealthy and not productive to me in any way whatsoever.  I know when I am speaking to my therapist that what I am saying half the time is pure craziness (I even tell her that) but I do it anyway.  I think the main thing for me is that I don’t feel like the ed is “bad” enough yet.  I don’t see the health effects and I’m not wasting away to nothing.  And yes a part of me actually likes it.  It can be exciting and its a challenge.  Its a challenge to see how many days I can restrict.  I am always one to challenge myself in every aspect of my life (be it school, the gym, relationships, etc…).

Anyway I know that this is a long long road and I’m here so deep down there must be a part of me thats wants to get better…..

Thanks for taking the time to respond and care!!!

angel - 29 March 2011 08:49 AM

Katie thanks for the insight!  I appreciate it!  I apologize for the triggers.  I get that ED is very sensitive but I also think that part of recovery is not sheltering yourself and being able to face things that are triggering.  Just my thought on that.  It seems like everywhere at the Emily Program you have to walk on egg shells around others so that you don’t “trigger” them….well aren’t we all going to be triggered every day out in the “real world” one way or another???  Isn’t it better to do it in therapy first?

Anyway I know that this is a long long road and I’m here so deep down there must be a part of me thats wants to get better…..

Thanks for taking the time to respond and care!!!

I think there is a big difference between sharing pro-recovery struggles (“I am having this urge…” or, “I’m struggling with this thought…” etc.) vs. working toward goals that are pro-ed (“I want to be this % of body weight” or, “I want to eat only a ‘clean’ diet,” or, “I don’t want to eat ‘bad’ food,” etc.)

And what makes *me* feel uncomfortable with your original post was not so much that you shared your thoughts and where you’re at, but more that you don’t seem to have a recovery-mindset, that there’s a “tone” of pride attached to your Ed-behaviors/thoughts/ideas…which can be dangerous territory for us with Ed.

My understanding of this forum is that we are a recovery-based, peer-support group.  I don’t feel like it’s requesting anyone to “walk on eggshells” to have a recovery-mindset, even when having struggles or urges or behaviors.

I could TOTALLY be reading you wrong (that can easily happen, especially on a internet forum where there are no tones and inflections in your voice or no facial expressions or body language—please let me know if I have read you wrong, I’m not trying to offend you or scare you off from posting)...I just think that there’s no harm in being careful and asking ourselves before we post something: am I looking for support in recovery or am I looking for support for Ed?

Oh, and aside: there are no “good” or “bad” foods!!! :)

I look forward to encouraging you and supporting you on your path to recovery!

I only used the body fat % as an example of something I struggled with in the past.  I no longer get that tested as I know it only makes the ed worse.
I do not agree with the statement that wanting to eat a clean diet is disordered thinking.  A desire to be healthy does not mean you have an eating disorder.  I also do not agree with the statement that there are no good or bad foods.  Its been proven time after time in study after study that sugar is bad for you body and causes a host of medical issues.  Same with the chemicals in most processed foods.  But thats a whole different topic.

I am on the road to recovery.  I am definitely not recovered yet but I am on that path.  I guess I missed where it said you had to be in recovery to join this forum???

I did state in my 2nd post that I understood that certain things could trigger people and I would be careful not to do that.  But you have to remember that different things trigger different people.  Also what may trigger someone one minute may not trigger them the next (depending on mood and many other factors). Also I’m suspecting no one here is a mind reader so it may be hard to know what is going to trigger who at what time.  Thats all I meant by the statement of “walking on eggshells”.  It was not meant to offend anyone.

I agree with that fact that its hard to tell someones “internet” tone so I hope I am not coming off bratty or argumentative (I can come off that way at times).  I guess I am one to challenge things rather than just accept them and not forming my own opinion or idea of something.

angel - 29 March 2011 05:28 PM

I only used the body fat % as an example of something I struggled with in the past.  I no longer get that tested as I know it only makes the ed worse.

Fair enough!

I do not agree with the statement that wanting to eat a clean diet is disordered thinking.  A desire to be healthy does not mean you have an eating disorder.  I also do not agree with the statement that there are no good or bad foods.  Its been proven time after time in study after study that sugar is bad for you body and causes a host of medical issues.  Same with the chemicals in most processed foods.  But thats a whole different topic.

Both my dietician and therapist disagree with this.  They both have drilled it into me that there are no bad or good foods—that a healthy diet allows for all ranges of food.  So, my comment comes from what I have learned from EP and from their professional opinion and guidance.  I have had to challenge that idea myself and have grown from seeing food as the enemy to seeing food as fuel and that all food is “safe” and acceptable.

I am on the road to recovery.  I am definitely not recovered yet but I am on that path.  I guess I missed where it said you had to be in recovery to join this forum???

I didn’t say that you had to be in recovery to join this forum.  It feels like you’re making a snide remark here (but, again, internet can make “tones” hard to decipher).  I said that I thought the Emily Program facilitated this forum for pro-recovery discussion (people wanting to overcome Ed, wanting recovery, wanting to become recovered) and NOT facilitating a forum for pro-ana, pro-mia, pro-ednos, pro-bed/coe, etc.  I’m not recovered yet and am on that path as well.

I feel like we got off on the wrong foot and i hope that we can still encourage one another toward recovery and support one another in getting rid of Ed.