Good morning, friends!

1. I’m still feeling manic today. Crazy amounts of energy without the ability to focus does not make a productive day! Uuuugh. It doesn’t help that I feel completely helpless to it. I think I’ll have to talk to my psychiatrist about upping the dose of my mood stabilizer or anti-psychotic…or additional anxiety meds or something. This is unbearable!

2. I’m struggling with impulsiveness. Seriously. My impulsive mind seems to want excitement or thrills—whether it be ED-related, or driving way too fast, or stealing, or (when the mood is rather down and not so euphoric) self-harm. That really sucks. It all sucks. Ha.

3. I’m going to call my psychiatrist, follow up with EP’s benefits coordinator about that insurance issue (which I haven’t received a return phone call yet), go to an eye appointment, and see my EP therapist today. It’s going to be a lot of productivity, if I’m lucky.

4. I’m grateful for my DBT group. They encouraged me to go into urgent care yesterday when I wanted to just “tough it out” (I thought I was just getting motion sickness), and it turned out that I was pretty dehydrated. It took them four times in each arm to even find my vein for blood tests before the IV. I was stuck, stuck, and stuck again. Blah.

5. I love how in love I am with my boyfriend. That’s all I’ll say. Don’t want to gross anyone out. HA. :)

Ashe - 01 March 2011 08:02 AM

3. I’m going to call my psychiatrist, follow up with EP’s benefits coordinator about that insurance issue (which I haven’t received a return phone call yet), go to an eye appointment, and see my EP therapist today. It’s going to be a lot of productivity, if I’m lucky.

So, I’m obnoxious…and I call back every day until I get results…So I encourage you: even though you haven’t received a call-back yet…keep calling until you get a PERSON…AND it gets worked out…and, in fact, I’d let someone know you haven’t received a call-back yet (calling your location, you’re at SLP, right? and talking to whoever answers).  Erin at SLP is always so friendly and helpful and she gets things done…so if anything, you could call her and ask for her help in how to get the person to call you back (maybe they’re on vacation or sick, she’d know that)...

When do you see your therapist???...cause I see mine (and my dietician) today too!  And I need it, like, NOW!

I see my therapist at 3:00. It can’t come fast enough. I’m doing all kinds of crazy things—and the ones I *want* to do scare the crap out of me!

I called again today. I’m sure she’s just busy. I just don’t want too much time to go by, y’know? I’m ready for the next step!

P.S. I love that you helped me out by talking to Erin. :)

Ashe - 01 March 2011 02:01 PM

P.S. I love that you helped me out by talking to Erin. :)

What?  I must have miscommunicated…I didn’t talk to Erin…just that Erin is a good person to talk to to get things fixed!  Sorry for being confusing.  My “I” comments were really, “if I were you” comments.  I’m so sorry!

Ashe - 01 March 2011 02:00 PM

I see my therapist at 3:00. It can’t come fast enough. I’m doing all kinds of crazy things—and the ones I *want* to do scare the crap out of me!

I called again today. I’m sure she’s just busy. I just don’t want too much time to go by, y’know? I’m ready for the next step!

I see mine in the evening!  Bummer we don’t “run into” one another!

I was on time, to therapy, yes Katie I was!

Painting… I’m not much of a painter so I just like grabbing any kind of paint and trying. I think I was using oil paints.

I’m doing this for yesterday. I had a huge migraine last night and so went to bed when I got home at 7. Now I’m awake, haha.

1.) I was super anxious today. Did an art therapy class and the exercise completely brought up my PTSD and I was so anxious after that (which is real apparent in my art…)

2.) Well, I was encouraged to give up coffee for a week (I don’t even drink that much! Like a cup and a half per day). Tried it today. Huge headache, was desperate to get rid of the headache and had some coffee at 6 pm. Didn’t help. I’ve never had a migraine and it was AWEFUL. I had some other things contributing to me having a headache, went to the chiro and she did what she could. Still nothing. Frustrating!

3.) Well, in the morning I had planned on going to bed at a decent time—7 pm works for that haha.

4.) I was grateful for my chiro today.

5.) I liked that when I didn’t have time to pack lunch I stopped at a grocery store to get something to eat.

Back to bed! Hopefully I can just fall back asleep now that I’ve tried to tire myself by checking email and the such. I think my body thinks it’s had it’s full night’s sleep because I have had enough hours of sleep, but come on! It’s 3 am…

katie111 - 01 March 2011 11:39 PM

What?  I must have miscommunicated…I didn’t talk to Erin…just that Erin is a good person to talk to to get things fixed!  Sorry for being confusing.  My “I” comments were really, “if I were you” comments.  I’m so sorry!

Whoops! That was my fault. Epic dumb.

katie111 - 01 March 2011 11:40 PM

I see mine in the evening!  Bummer we don’t “run into” one another!

Well, I don’t usually. This was a weird circumstance where I had to meet my IT (individual therapist) in the afternoon and in Saint Paul. (My IT moved there, which SUCKS! I love her too much to find someone new at SLP.) I do still see my dietitian in the afternoons at SLP, though.

And maybe we have bumped into each other and just didn’t realize it. :D

chickadee - 02 March 2011 04:03 AM

I was super anxious today. Did an art therapy class and the exercise completely brought up my PTSD and I was so anxious after that (which is real apparent in my art…)

Art therapy always does that to me! It’s like my PTSD stuff is stored in the “creative” part of the brain. Did it help you to process it at all or was it just anxiety provoking? Either way, hugs to you!

chickadee - 02 March 2011 04:03 AM

I liked that when I didn’t have time to pack lunch I stopped at a grocery store to get something to eat.

Um. This is freakin’ awesome! :D

I feel like I’m getting a clearer picture of who everyone is. :) So much comes out of these. Thank you all so much for participating!

1. I feel impulsive today. I’m hoping that my med changes made last night will help. (Oh, yeah! I called my psychiatrist and he got me in after-hours to be safe! I love him.) I can’t really elaborate much more than that… I’m sure I’m feeling other things, but I don’t know what they are.

2. Labels. I’m struggling with labels. Just when I think I have an understanding of the types of urges I’m getting, they change into something completely different. I hate the way my bilpolar II, borderline personality, and bulimia dance around and sometimes with each other. Obviously, I’ve been struggling with bipolar stuff (mania) most recently.

3. Today, I see my dietitian and I’ve made it a goal to really try to follow the meal plan today (my numbers haven’t been the greatest). I’m always afraid that she’s going to look at my daily records and tell me, “You’re not trying! Get out!” Haha. :P

4. I am grateful for my personally made photo-notebook. At Walgreen’s photo center, you can design your own notebook. My arrived yesterday! Yay! The title I put on it was “triple-B bad: My Struggle with Bipolar II and Borderline, manifested through Bulimia.” I’m going to be writing a recovery journal now! Oh, and best part—

The Joy Project has an internet banner that I liked and put on the front cover. There’s a picture of a bathroom scale with one foot on it. To the left of that, it says, “WARNING: This device not designed to provide accurate measurement of a person’s worth.” Then at the bottom in tiny letters, it reads “Any misuse for this purpose may result in confusion and self-doubt.”  Love it!

On the inside cover, I put a poem. While having some dark undertones, it’s all about getting to real thing and not the myth around it (my personality and eating disorders aren’t just statistics). Here it is:

I came to explore the wreck.
The words are purposes.
The words are maps.
I came to see the damage that was done
and the treasures that prevail.
I stroke the beam of my lamp
slowly along the flank
of something more permanent
than fish or weed

the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth

~Adrienne Rich

5. I love that when I need to do something productive (something I feel is deserved, mainly), I get it done.

You all have such amazing things to say. This thread is so rich with knowledge and inspiration. I want to comment on each and everything you all say but between work and IOP right now, I don’t have as much time as I’d like to share how awesome I think you all are. Thank you so much for sharing and being so open. It’s really helping me want to share as well - something I have historically not done. At all.

Check in:

1. I am feeling good. A little anxious (caffeine maybe??) but over all I’m having a good week and allowing myself to feel good about it.
2. Arrgh, I forgot half my lunch at home. Judgments around how I should handle that (food-based) are a bit challenging but thankfully not completely distracting.
3. Arrgh (again!) - I told my therapist that I’d commit to 2 days of yoga/week. Tonight is a good night for that (no IOP) so I had in my head when I made that promise I would do yoga tonight. Right now, I just wanna go home and veg out. But I will tell you all I will do yoga tonight - holding me even more accountable. ;)
4. I am grateful for how I dealt with a challenging night in IOP last night. The first part of IOP was very emotional for me. Proceeded by that was an intentionally challenging meal (bring your own). It went well and I didn’t minimize my success which I so often do.
5. I like that I am feeling in control of my recovery - in a balanced way, not in an obsessive hurry up and get all the things done way. It is giving me a sense of confidence and strength that maybe I’m moving toward a “new and improved” me.

I hope you all have a great day. I’ll add to #4 - I’m grateful for you guys too :)

Ashe - 02 March 2011 07:28 AM

chickadee - 02 March 2011 04:03 AM

I was super anxious today. Did an art therapy class and the exercise completely brought up my PTSD and I was so anxious after that (which is real apparent in my art…)

Art therapy always does that to me! It’s like my PTSD stuff is stored in the “creative” part of the brain. Did it help you to process it at all or was it just anxiety provoking? Either way, hugs to you!

chickadee - 02 March 2011 04:03 AM

I liked that when I didn’t have time to pack lunch I stopped at a grocery store to get something to eat.

Um. This is freakin’ awesome! :D

I was able to process some of it, but it was more or less just anxiety provoking. I do love doing art though and think it’s going to be so valuable in my treatment! I never let myself do art before… probably because I got so anxious every time I tried. Started with knitting and sewing and now will do all forms of art whenever I have the chance :D

tweedy - 02 March 2011 09:27 AM

You all have such amazing things to say. This thread is so rich with knowledge and inspiration. I want to comment on each and everything you all say but between work and IOP right now, I don’t have as much time as I’d like to share how awesome I think you all are. Thank you so much for sharing and being so open. It’s really helping me want to share as well - something I have historically not done. At all.

I am so glad to see this, tweedy! It was exactly what I was hoping we’d get out of it! I was afraid that it might not used, but you all have been so great! I love everyone. <333

tweedy - 02 March 2011 09:27 AM

I am grateful for how I dealt with a challenging night in IOP last night. The first part of IOP was very emotional for me. Proceeded by that was an intentionally challenging meal (bring your own). It went well and I didn’t minimize my success which I so often do.

Congratulations on getting through a tough night at IOP! I always struggled with the bring your own meal, too. Ugh. I miss IOP so much; I need it but can’t do both IOP at EP and IOP at the DBT place. At any rate, it makes me warm and fuzzy inside to hear that you challenged those negative voices and really validated yourself. That’s fantastic! (((hugs to you)))

tweedy - 02 March 2011 09:27 AM

I’ll add to #4 - I’m grateful for you guys too :)

D’aww schucks, girl. :)

chickadee - 02 March 2011 12:13 PM

I was able to process some of it, but it was more or less just anxiety provoking. I do love doing art though and think it’s going to be so valuable in my treatment! I never let myself do art before… probably because I got so anxious every time I tried. Started with knitting and sewing and now will do all forms of art whenever I have the chance :D

I so completely hear you about art taking an important role for you! I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who took so strongly to it. Mine started with cross-stitch, and I seem to really get mindful, present, and relaxed when I color mandalas. Are you familiar with those? If not, ask for some. They’re amazing.

1. Medicine-heady is what I feel right now. Oy vey. I’m adjusting to new meds and since my manic state is wearing off, my body is realizing just how little sleep I got over the last couple of hours. So, I feel a little “meh,” but this is worlds better than yesterday when I ran around my company’s building just because I had too much energy. Over and over and over. O.O

2. Today, I’m struggling with protein sources. I don’t have a lot of money until I get paid again (medical bills did me in this pay period), and my protein options are non-existent. I’ll have to try to get them in after my IOP tonight. That means after 8:00 by the time I get home… pleasebestrong, pleasebestrong.

3. Instead of engaging in an unhealthy activity during lunch, I think I will meditate in my car. I haven’t done it in a good, long while… in my car, that is. Typically, I meditate every morning after some Art of Living breathing exercises.

4. Breath. Shambhala Buddhist practice. Family. Kitty. Friends.

5. I like that I give myself permission to purchase things that I know will make recovery easier for me. Has anyone else purchased the Daily Food Record booklet for $5.00?! I didn’t even know they existed until yesterday. Small to write in, but I write small anyway… sooo much better for me than the 8x11 sheets!