Hi Iced, reading your post made me want to throw my arms around you…give you that hug you’re craving. Of course it might be a little awkward being strangers and all. ;) Sorry - levity helps me sometimes.

ED will ALWAYS be there for you. This is a double edged, very dangerous sword. But as you know, there’s a flip side to letting ED comfort you and it’s not pretty. I completely understand that line of thinking about not connecting unless I’m doing something for the other person. As my therapist says - you deserve that connection simply because you’re human. YOU DESERVE IT! Sometimes, we just don’t have it in us to give back and that’s okay.

Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? I truly hope today is a better day for you. Know that there is a giant hug coming your way.
(((HUG)))

1.) How are you FEELING today? Use descriptive words.
2.) What is challenging you today? Use discretion if you choose to detail a struggle with eating disorder symptoms and warn if it might be triggering to other members.
3.) What is one thing you plan on doing to support a healthier, happier you?
4.) Name one thing your grateful for and why?
5.) Share one aspect about you that you like today.

(I couldnt remember what the topics were, so I had to copy-paste them. its my first time posting here!)

1. I am feeling happy, complete, nice, and okay, and also, I am scared, a bit overwhelmed, and pressured to make a lot of things happen in the next twenty for hours! I am graduating tomorrow, but I still have a couple of homework assignments to complete for a class, my roomates are throwing a party tonight so i need to clean and help get ready, my parents are coming to town tomorrow and I am supposed to have everything ready to send home with them!

2.My boyfriend told me he loves me for the first time and I am fighting the voice telling me that I dont deserve to be loved. this is the first time, outside of my family that anyone has said that (Im 22, and this is my first boyfriend). He said it again yesterday, and right away my response was that he shouldnt love me, because he doesnt know that deep down I have this problem (ED) and therefore I am not a good person, and not worthy of love. When he first said I love you, I actually wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t…I realize how dreadful this logic is and I am choosing to just let it sit that someone loves me. he isnt looking for perfection in this love. At first I didn’t want to accept that someone else could love me, because I thought that I didn’t love myself enough for someone else to love me. But now I realize that accepting someone else’s love for me is loving myself. Its strange and wonderful.

3. I really want to start jogging in the mornings. This is something I used to do a year ago, and I feel like I could start bringing this back into my life in a healthy way, where I congratulate myself for lacing up my sneakers and going outside to observe nature, breathe fresh air, and feel the earth beneath my footsteps. I used to have a problem obsessing exessively to “make up” for my BED, but i think that if I took the focus of the exercise off of my body and put it into my spirit, I would feel a lot better.

4. I am grateful for relationships, that people who were once strangers have become friends, and family who has struggled with me is still there. I am grateful that I can pick up the phone at anytime and call an old friend and I know they would be happy to hear from me.

5. Today, I like my sense of inner calm despite the outer craziness. I have a big transition coming up, I am leaving the state in less than 48 hours, this summer I will get to see both of my sisters-i havent seen them in a year, and I am going to learn how to waitress in a restaurant. But I feel confident and calm today and I like that…I know that I can do it.

tweedy - 13 May 2011 07:24 AM

Hi Iced, reading your post made me want to throw my arms around you…give you that hug you’re craving. Of course it might be a little awkward being strangers and all. ;) Sorry - levity helps me sometimes.

ED will ALWAYS be there for you. This is a double edged, very dangerous sword. But as you know, there’s a flip side to letting ED comfort you and it’s not pretty. I completely understand that line of thinking about not connecting unless I’m doing something for the other person. As my therapist says - you deserve that connection simply because you’re human. YOU DESERVE IT! Sometimes, we just don’t have it in us to give back and that’s okay.

Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? I truly hope today is a better day for you. Know that there is a giant hug coming your way.
(((HUG)))

Thank you…
I cannot talk to him. He is one of those type of people unless it involves his feelings he doesn’t care. He will ask you what is wrong and then when you tell him, he gets mad or doesn’t want to listen. Sometimes I think he is selfish in his own well being.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}back!!!

Plus, I hate being a burden to others. I don’t want people to think I am feeling sorry for myself and throw my pity on them as well. I am always there for others and willing to do everything for everyone else but cannot accept it in return. I have a hard time asking or accepting help in so many ways. It’s not that I’m over-independent, I just don’t want others to think I can’t handle things- my mom was like that (how ironic). The beast is taking so much from me but I don’t want it to leave. There is so much that I crave and envy in others (I.e. healthy love from others, closeness, etc…) that it makes me ill. I WANT THAT and I DESERVE THAT!!!

iced - 16 May 2011 08:27 PM

Thank you…
I cannot talk to him. He is one of those type of people unless it involves his feelings he doesn’t care. He will ask you what is wrong and then when you tell him, he gets mad or doesn’t want to listen. Sometimes I think he is selfish in his own well being.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}back!!!

Plus, I hate being a burden to others. I don’t want people to think I am feeling sorry for myself and throw my pity on them as well. I am always there for others and willing to do everything for everyone else but cannot accept it in return. I have a hard time asking or accepting help in so many ways. It’s not that I’m over-independent, I just don’t want others to think I can’t handle things- my mom was like that (how ironic). The beast is taking so much from me but I don’t want it to leave. There is so much that I crave and envy in others (I.e. healthy love from others, closeness, etc…) that it makes me ill. I WANT THAT and I DESERVE THAT!!!

You are right, you DO deserve healthy love and closeness. And it IS healthy to accept help and love from others. I know from my own experience that it is really hard to learn to believe that you deserve those things, when you have spent years believing the opposite. I’m sure it’s doubly hard for you, since you are married to someone who either can’t or won’t give those things to you.

Thank you so much for posting this; I have just had a revelation about myself! It has made me realize that I have seen the same dynamic in my own life: I am drawn to people who won’t try to make me accept those things I don’t believe I deserve. And since they don’t offer those things, it reinforces my belief that I don’t deserve them. Wow.

Isn’t it weird how we can’t see patterns in our own lives until we see them mirrored in someone else’s?

ALthough the night ended rough, the day started a little rough, it’s turning around. I got to work and put on my face and looked inthe mirror and said, “***** you look great today! People are going to find you beautiful today!” Then I turned on PANDORA radio and the first song that popped up was Jason Reeves, “Someone, Somewhere”- it’s beautiful. If you get a chance, look him up on FaceBook…he’s very inspirational!

I love you all today!!!

Smile and remember that no matter how bad the day is, we are all beautiful even if it’s not smacking us inthe face! =)

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted a check-in before, but I’ve been struggling a lot over the last few days, and I’m hoping it will help to let someone know how I’m feeling. Thanks for listening.

1.) Anxious. Ashamed.
2.) Major symptom use. More then in recent weeks. I’m having trouble reminding myself that an increase in ED behavior does not have to be permanent. I’ve shown myself I can do it (reduce/stop symptoms) on more than one occasion, so I ought to be able to do it again. Trouble is, right now, I just want to replace one set of symptoms with another, not stop altogether…
3.) Relaxing this weekend, visiting some good friends. Spending time with my animals.
4.) I have wonderful new neighbors.
5.) ???

JM - 20 May 2011 01:30 PM

Major symptom use. More then in recent weeks. I’m having trouble reminding myself that an increase in ED behavior does not have to be permanent. I’ve shown myself I can do it (reduce/stop symptoms) on more than one occasion, so I ought to be able to do it again. Trouble is, right now, I just want to replace one set of symptoms with another, not stop altogether…

OH MY GOODNESS! You took my thoughts right out of my head about these past two weeks for me. I’ve been really struggling too. (((hugs))) I, too, find myself “symptom swapping” as if it makes things better or as if it’s part of recovery. I totally get that… ::shudders:: I usually challenge it by some major urge surfing (basically sitting in a corner and just riding out the storm to teach myself that symptom urges, like anything else, pass). Hardest thing to do, and I fail a lot, but when it works, I learn.

1. Reflective. Pensive. Calm. Down. “Sick and Tired” of side effects

2. Per above, side effects of my medications are a huge problem. I keep dosing off at work and HR and my coworkers are really concerned. Good thing I have FMLA so I can leave if I have to. And, like every other day, I’m struggling with symptom use and feeling like they are “no big deal” or that I’m not “sick enough” for it to matter. Much like the argument of being just a casual drug user; I’m a casual symptom user, I guess. Ugh. I need to shake that mentality before tackling the symptoms, I think.

3. I’m going to go to my Buddhist center after my IOP/DBT tonight. Some meditation wouldn’t kill me by any means. I need it. I’ve been dealing with a lot of depressive symptoms recently (darn bipolar!) and I have had much ambition to do anything—even my Art of Living stuff.

4. I’m thankful for caffeine. Without it, I’d have to go home and use another FMLA day.

5. I like my unrelenting stubbornness. Sure it makes me willful in terms of ED-symptoms sometimes, but today, it’s making me push through work (sort of, I’m here, so…). HA.

1. Rushed. Anxious. Pleasant.

2. I am struggling with restriction today. I seem to think that because both off my wrists are braces (carnal tunnel) that it would be okay to just not eat. And the internal monologue is finding all kinds of evidence to support that. My wise minded voice is drown out…

3. I am going to my Eating in the Light of the Moon group this afternoon. No regrets on signing up for that!

4. I am grateful for clothes that fit and don’t trigger me.

5. I like my hair today…

I’ve never posted here before, but I’m trying accountability. I have none in my day-to-day life, so maybe this would work.

1) I am physically great today. I was in the ER last night for massive dehydration (more related to another unrelated physical condition than ED, though ED doesn’t help). I feel stressed out today. I feel beyond my ability to cope, if that makes sense.
2) I have to get so much done (school stuff) that if I work all day and don’t sleep, I just may be a success.
3) I am going to eat today. I am going to take short breaks and maybe even take a nap. And I am going to limit the cigarettes.
4) I am grateful for my best friend. Tomorrow (Friday) she is coming over to help me finish the finals push.
5) I like my brain. It’s dysfunctional, but it’s really amazing that it works at all!

willow - 26 May 2011 06:54 AM

I’ve never posted here before, but I’m trying accountability. I have none in my day-to-day life, so maybe this would work.

Thank you for sharing. It can be as therapeutic for us to read as hopefully it is for you to post. I hope today is easier for you and you were (and are) able to work some time in for yourself.

1. Tired (my sleep was very restless) and sad, like I could burst into tears at any moment.
2. I’m working through some difficult childhood stuff with my therapist. I can feel progress but at the same time I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster and that is really difficult for me to deal with. Along with that I’ve got some pretty hateful body image inner dialog going on.
3. Time spent with loved ones this evening, getting fruit into my meal plan today, try like hell to find some compassion for myself.
4. I am grateful I can see progress even though it’s extremely painful.
5. I’m here.

1.) How are you FEELING today? Use descriptive words

Not bad, but not good. Maybe it just be a simply day.

2.) What is challenging you today? Use discretion if you choose to detail a struggle with eating disorder symptoms and warn if it might be triggering to other members.

En, I just want to try to leave the computer more time.

Obviously, if you struggle with any of these, remind yourself that it’s okay and it’s not going to be easy every day. And, of course, the most important thing is that you know that this is a safe place where you can ask for help; that’s what I think a lot of us on this forum are here for!

It’s very comfort to see these.
Yeah, you won’t consider yourself lonly just for some other people’s support, even we don’t know each other.

Hi everyone,

I have not published a check-in before, but I’ve been having difficulties a lot over the last few times, and I’m expecting it will help to let someone know how I’m sensation. Thanks for hearing.

I’m loving this idea!  Thanks Ashe!!! :)