Hi, I’m Maxsmommy- I have a son named Max- that’s where the name comes from.

I’ve been a patient at EP since…I think November, early November. I’ve been “friends” with Ana (Anorexia Nervosa) since age 15…I’m 30 now, so…yeah half my life. My mom is alcoholic and has also been good buddies with Ana, and one of my aunts at one point was bulimic.

I tried to get help when I was 18- the nutritionist I saw really screwed me up. She told me to eat anything I wanted to and I gained about almost 70 lbs within 9-10 months. Ana wouldn’t have that, so I let her back into the drivers seat. I tend to talk in parables so… Ana and I have taken turns driving, so to speak, but even when I’m driving and she’s drowsy in the passenger seat, she still has a hand on my wrist, ready to jolt the steering wheel wherever she wants it to go. She was even calling the shots when I was pregnant, and when I was breastfeeding. Twisting breastfeeding into another weight loss tool, when it was supposed to be a bonding thing with Max, and nourishment for him. I’ve even found her commenting in my ear about how he eats now, although I wouldn’t listen to her on that topic- this is between me and her, not Max.

I don’t make a lot of sense, I realize. But I need support from others who are in the same boat as I. My husband doesn’t understand. He’s of the school of thought that since I’m a nurse I know what I need to do. The rest of my family, if they knew I was in treatment for this, would walk on eggshells around me and treat me like a ticking timebomb. I want to be healthy for my son, I want to be of a right mind for if I ever have a daughter- I don’t want Ana to be a family friend. I don’t want Ana to be a friend at all. I just finished reading “Life Without Ed” and found it sobering, it might as well have been me writing it.

I am glad I have EP. Wish I had it when I was 18. It’s a scary time when you realize “I have two choices…I eat…or I die.”

Hi Maxsmommy!
  I just wanted to say that I understand some of the things that you are going thru.  I started having issues with eating disorders when I was 12 and also had an episode where I gained a significant amount of weight.  13 years have passed and I still having daily encounters with eating disorders of different kinds.  I am now a binge eater which is hard for me.  I have been at both ends of the spectrum.  Although I do not know your situation completely because I do not have a family right now but I feel like I can relate.
  Eating disorders have had a hold on me for a long time and has changed the way that I see myself and sometimes makes it hard to go out and be with my friends or go to parties. Food is just everywhere and like you I want to break the ties with my eating disorder so I can move on in life and enjoy as others do.
  Please take care hun, I am hopeful for us both!

I have not had an E.D. for very long but i do understand the feeling like it has a hold of u all the time and u never know when it will pull on u or when u will crash! The thought eat or die often helps me eat because I need to stay alive for my family! this post made me feel better! the situations are a bit different but it sounded a bit like me…thanks :)