Hi.  32/Male here.  Complicated story (isn’t everyone’s?), but I think it’s all rooted in Binge Eating. 

Chubby as a kid, intense and talented but unhappy.  Decided at age 13 to get skinny.  Basically quit eating, untreated anorexia for several years: dropped from 160 to 104# by age 14.  Then discovered exercise.  Began lifting weights, doing cardio obsessively to justify my binges.  Then discovered nicotine & caffeine to control appetite, alcohol and other substances.  Entered spiral. 

Continued dysfunctional eating, with off/on periods of binging, some purging, mad exercise and anorexia.  Body image remained at the top of my self-esteem valuation daily (hourly?  secondly?).  Bottomed out at age 19 via a near-overdose of alcohol. 

Entered outpatient treatment.  Haven’t had a drink since.  Began antidepressant treatment (no talk or group therapy), but haven’t dealt with the underlying ‘Elephant’.  I used ephedra along with nicotine and caffeine for several years after getting treatment for alcohol, as well as compulsive exercise.  Would feel absolutely worthless if I didn’t get to my daily exercise regimen.  Still binging.  Never has a day gone by without thinking about my body image/food/exercise/dietary control in a twisted-up way.

Now, still being pharma-treated for anxiety, depression, and insomnia, I am entering my mid-30’s.  I have a fabulous (new) family.  My body is wearing out from all the compulsive exercise, joints and muscles saying “take it easy!”.  I often stay up late into the night mowing down the contents of the fridge and pantry, zombie-like.  I have no time or energy to compulsively exercise right now.  So, I kind of hit a dead-end.  I feel fat, ugly and old, and even let the thought of drinking creep back in.

Problem: I have gained 20#, so said the scale yesterday (hadn’t weighed myself for ages).  I have vowed never to purge again, due to an appearance of blood in my vomit the last time (few years ago - Puking never was my main outlet, just a last resort if I couldn’t exercise). Don’t have much time or energy to get into a crazy exercise routine again.  Thus, I am feeling fat and unhappy and without an outlet.  My usual screwed-up responses are not available.  I have allowed the thought of drinking again to enter my head for the first time in years. 

But I am resolute.  I don’t want my children (infants now) to be burdened with this elephant.  Looking to get into the Emily Program (finances…), but meantime would like to find people to talk to, groups, online resources, whatever.  Enough is enough.

Thanks for reading.

Hi J. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear you’re looking to get help. I’ve been at the Emily Program almost three years now and it has helped me quite a bit. I still have a way to go but I can look back and see I’ve made some progress and that makes all the hard work worth it.

A couple resources that might help: The Emily Program offers a free monthly “event” called Recovery Night. It’s either the first or second Tuesday of each month. They usually have two speakers who share about their own recovery and then the group is free to ask questions. There is another supportive website called something-fishy.org that has various forums/posts to read. Oh and there are also Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings available throughout the Twin Cities that are welcome to anyone.

I hope that helps. The EP Forum here is a good place too. It’s relatively new so not yet as populated as websites like something-fishy.org.
Good luck to you on your journey.

Thanks much tweedy.  Gonna hunt for meetings and check out the Fishy site (funny name…).  Feels good just to have put my story out into the world for the first time…

hi J-

The Anna Westing House (emily program’s residential program) has a list of resources on their webpage that might be helpful to you: http://annawestinhouse.com/resources/

You may also want to try out support groups. Eating Disorders Anonymous is one of them that has been very helpful in my recovery. Also, it’s free. You can also check out other support groups in Minnesota on the http://www.aWayThrough.wordpress.com website under free support groups. The support groups are a great addition to professional therapy. Good luck with your recovery! The Emily Program is a great place.

To those who feel that the initial poster was “triggering” to you, please keep in mind that this person may not understand the “rules” on ED websites for healing. Give the person a break and realize that they are asking for help and looking for guidance.

There is also http://www.webiteback.com a recovery oriented website for anyone with any ed.